I’m officially starting a new thing here called “Defend your Shitty Taste.” The idea is that I will ask people why they like things I hate.

First up: U2.

My evidence that this is a thing that sucks: this video

Now, dear readers, DEFEND YOUR SHITTY TASTE! 

Alright, dear readers. I’m embarking on a new creative endeavor. What’s happening is this, you come at me asking for a dirty sex poem, you give me some money, I write you that sex poem, I deliver you that sex poem. Subject is up to you. You want a poem detailing your sex adventures? It’s done! You want a poem meant to embarrass your enemies? You got it! You want a poem about some person you’d like to sexing getting sexed? I will do that. It’s all on the table, just let me know and be specific if you want it specific. They can be handwritten and mailed, typed and emailed, typed and printed and mailed. These things can all be discussed later.

In addition to dirty poems, I will also be opening a shop for Sex Letters of Recommendation. With these, I will write you a personalized letter of recommendation to be presented to someone with whom you wish to have sex. Obviously, it helps if I know you. If I don’t tell me a LOT about yourself, or at least, the kind of stuff you would want in a sex letter of recommendation. GET YOUR SEX ON!

Pricing!:

Sex Haiku - $3

Sex Limerick - $5

Epic Sex Poem - $3 per verse, minimum of 10 verses.

Sex Letter of Recommendation (General) - $10

Sex Letter of Recommendation (Specified recipient) - $12

Interested? Contact me at jduganbarrett@gmail.com to discuss payment options/content.

I heard, like, tops, 8 albums that came out this year. But what I think is important.

5) Guided by Voices - Class Clown Spots a UFO

This album is great. Feels like a version of Bee Thousand as performed by a bunch of dudes in their fifties. But, like, for real, this band released three albums this year, what the hell, right?

4) The Gaslight Anthem - Handwritten

This record was a lot better than American Slang (which I liked.) This is a band that still has legs, which was a nice reminder that my taste is and always has been impeccable.

3) Guided by Voices - The Bears for Lunch

This is what Guided by Voices can do at their best. Really good, guitar pop gems. The best comparison is definitely to 1996’s Under the Bushes Under the Stars.

2) Titus Andronicus - Local Business

The Monitor is a hard record to follow up, and this record did it the right way. It’s stripped down rock songs. The songs are still agonizingly personal, but they aren’t (for the most part) ~8 minutes long with extended piano breaks.

1) Ceremony - Zoo

I like hardcore, I like Joy Division, and I like Wire. Throw those influences and some skate-able punk rock in a blender, and this would come out.

And now the electrifying conclusion.

25)

“Dodging Invisible Rays” - Tigerbomb

This is a great example of Tobin Sprout acting as Robert Pollard’s songwriting foil. The song is a sweet little melody, and Sprout’s higher pitched lilt propels the song forward in a way that kind of obscures the sadder elements of the song’s lyrics. “I get the feeling that you’re just circling around.”

24)

“Drag Days” - Under the Bushes Under the Stars

This song does something that I think Robert Pollard does very well, but I don’t often here people discussing it. Quite simply, it evokes the experience of running around with your friends as a child. At least it does to me. Unlike some of the songs coming later in this segment, this one effectively adds a mournful nostalgia, which I normally hate, but Bob Pollard’s earnestness combined with that lead guitar part make the nostalgia real.

23)

“Marchers in Orange” - Fast Japanese Spin Cycle

This song is a great example of Robert Pollard creating both powerful and obscure images. I’m going to venture a guess that this song is at least vaguely about prisons, but the specifics of its origin are not super important. What is super important is that bouncy guitar line and the beautiful and fun open lyrics “White lines are the tracers for the facers of the aftermath.”

22)

“Dusted” - Fast Japanese Spin Cycle

Unlike its predecessor on this list, I do think both versions of this song are passable, though I prefer the EP version to the LP version. Anyway, this song is (from what I’ve been told) and exploration of the damage done by religion (“Push me now beyond the boughs of healing hands and thorny crowns. And all the sadness it implies, I’ve tasted with my own two eyes.”) Lyrically this may be one of the most intricate and well executed songs in the Pollard oeuvre. Musically, it is a fun, punky pop gem.

21)

“Kicker of Elves” - Bee Thousand

This strange little acoustic track was the hook that got me to stick with Bee Thousand until it eventually became a top five record for me. The song isn’t too complicated. Its simple acoustic chords carry a shaking voice. The surreal lyrics are some of my favorites, and I think they came from a story written in one of Pollard’s fourth grade classrooms.

20)

“Pendulum” - Same Place the Fly Got Smashed

If there is a song that is the Guided by Voices theme song, for better or worse, it’s probably this. The jangly guitar propels this bouncy track about adults with alcoholism and a penchant for enjoying things a bit too much. It really is one of the earliest showings of Pollard’s budding lyrical brilliance. “When the pendulum swings it cuts! When the big door swings open it shuts. We’ll be middle-aged children by so what?”

19)

“Motor Away” - Alien Lanes

One thing I’m noticing about Alien Lanes as I write this list is how many of the songs on it are perfect to singing along to in the car. This is probably the best example of that. The rhythm that the guitar is playing would otherwise be so jarring, but it fits so brilliantly here. The song feels very fun and light, but like so many of the best songs, it seems to be about some kind of loss. “You can free yourself from the chance of a lifetime.”

18)

“My Impression Now” - Fast Japanese Spin Cycle

This is another great happy-sounding song, but lyrically it’s kind of a bummer, “Stand on the edge of the ledge. Jump off cuz nobody cares.” This is a great one to shout along to in the car either way. And the way the bassline is quietly doing so much of the melodic legwork is really beautiful.

17)

“Kisses to the Crying Crooks” - Fast Japanese Spin Cycle

This basic melody, and some of the lyrics make up the first part of “Over the Neptune/Mesh Gear Fox” off of Propeller, but I think the tune is better served by the production here. It is simply Pollard’s voice and an acoustic guitar banging out a minute and a half of gorgeous melody capped off perfectly by the song’s meandering guitar solo. This song would be a perfect starting point for the uninitiated, if not for its relative obscurity.

16)

“Break Even” - Grand Hour

This is definitely one of the darkest Guided by Voices tracks. It’s also one of the tracks that most proudly waves the psychedelic flag. It feels very kaleidoscopic, if that’s a thing that you can say about a song. It shifts very fluidly in and out of different tempos and textures. It has also been a staple of recent live shows, and it is a brilliantly fun one to see live.

15)

“Hardcore UFOs” - Bee Thousand

There is very little about this song I don’t love. Lyrically it’s so evocative of the feelings that made me want to start a band the thousands of times I’ve wanted to start a band. “Count the days that we have wasted from the start.” The other almost magical element to this song is that moment when the lead guitar cuts out during the second chorus I think. According to legend, someone burned the tape with a cigarette by accident, and that section of guitar is gone forever. But listening to Guided by Voices is about celebrating those little fuck ups!

14)

“Little Whirl” - Alien Lanes

The muddy production on this one is, I think, its strength. Tobin Sprouts vocals are almost indecipherable. But this is a quick and sweet bubblegummy track, and it’s lonely weird little finish add to the sadness that seems to want to be expressed in it.

13)

“Gleemer (The Deeds of Fertile Jim)” - Vampire on Titus

This is another, great, sad Tobin Sprout song. For me, this song evokes the sad parts of childhood. Im not sure if that was Sprout’s intent, but that’s what it evokes in me. And t he harmonies on the chorus are so sweet and heartbreaking. I’d also go so far as to say that this is my favorite Tobin Sprout song.

12)

“Blimps Go 90” - Alien Lanes

I love this strings, I love Bob Pollard’s quietness, and I love the lyrics. This song contains my absolute favorite Guided by Voices lyric “Oftentimes I’m reminded of those sweet young days, when I poured punch for the franchise and thus was knighted, got so excited.” It’s another evocative track, but I’m not sure of what. It makes me wistful for something I can’t quite pin down.

11)

“Hey Hey, Spaceman” - Devil Between my Toes

This is probably the first song to really sound like a Guided by Voices song, you know? The guitar lead is so hypnotic, and the chorus is so divine. And, like I mentioned in my blurb about “Drag Days,” it evokes memories of childhood and playing in treehouses. It makes me want to go play in the backyard again.

10)

“The Official Ironmen Rally Song” - Under the Bushes Under the Stars

I think this is one of the most passionate vocal performances Uncle Bob ever gave. Combined with that nifty little guitar lead, and some heartbreaking lyrics, you have what to me is the perfect “sad bastard” song. But it’s not just a sad bastard song, it’s also something of a celebration of the entire idea of sad bastard songs. “To dine alone, to build a private zone.”

9)

“Your Name is Wild” - Under the Bushes Under the Stars

There something kind of country-ish about this song to me. Or at the very least something about what appeals to me about this song is very similar to what appeals to me about country music. If I had to point to any one thing that I love most about music it would be the way Robert Pollard sings “And I’ll be taking you soon now to read the Orange signs.”

8)

“Glow Boy Butlers” - Static Airplane Jive

I try to sing along to this one in the car. Like a lot. But it’s a tough one because I don’t know the lyrics. I think this song’s main strength is the drumming. I love airdrumming to this one. Otherwise I love the seemingly effortless shift in musical tone from verse to bridge to chorus. And the little mini-outro with the guitars is magnificent.

7)

“My Valuable Hunting Knife” - Alien Lanes

This song may not be about killing his ex-wife, but Robert Pollard does compare her unfavorably to a knife “It will not rust through the tears, and it will not lose its appeal over years.” This song feels like it has a lot of empty space that add to its overall desperate tone. The chorus of “I’ll never know” is so simple and moving and sad.

6)

“Gold Star for Robot Boy” - Bee Thousand

This is one of two songs that was specifically written for that album. It’s also just an amazing, fun song. Its origins can, like many of these songs, be traced to Robert Pollard’s teaching days. There’s something about the cadence of “If I waited for lessons and true confessions that could take all day” that really hits me where it counts in terms of songs, you know?

5)

“Sot” - Vampire on Titus

Getting started on listening to Guided by Voices is going to reap rewards for a very long time. Case in point: this song. I mean, I’d heard it before, but up until like two weeks ago, I hadn’t really listened to it. It very nearly perfectly captures the spirit of what was happening with Vampire on Titus. The way the guitar mingles with the almost buried vocals is perfect. And the chorus is so powerful, and I think is something of a mantra for Guided by Voices, “There’s nothing I’d rather do than be here right now.”

4)

“Unleashed! The Large-Hearted Boy” - Propeller

This, folks, is the first Guided by Voices song I ever heard (except maybe Hold on Hope, but songs on Scrubs don’t count.) It was love at first listen. The bass line that carries this song sounds like it could be from a Cure song. The sort of lazy melody of the vocals could be from a late 70s punk band or maybe some kind of twee pop. And the overall sensation is distinctly Guided by Voices. Also, I have seen the band four times on the reunion tour, and this is consistently the best song of every set.

3)

“Non-Absorbing” - Vampire on Titus

This is another song that apparently comes from Mr. Pollard’s teaching days. This is another simple one. It starts as just vocals and a a guitar, then on the second chorus the drums come in. It’s a perfect car-singer due to its simple and repetitive lyrics, its emptiness allows it to sink in, and its lyrics evoke the desperation of thinking about some lady or dude you have a crush on. At least I think.

2)

“Queen of Cans and Jars” - Bee Thousand

The second that lead guitar part comes in, you’re going to be hooked. And if you’re not, kindly never know me anymore. I’m not entirely sure what this song is even about, but I know it’s fun, jangly guitar, and fun, jangly vocal melody make it the absolute high point every time I listen to Bee Thousand. This song also holds a special place for me because the first two times I saw Guided by Voices, Mitch Mitchell consistently fucked up the lead part.

1)

“Quality of Armor” - Propeller

This could have been a Beatles song. I mean other than the fact that it is pretty clearly some sort of answer to “Drive my Car,” it has the melody and harmonies necessary to be a Beatles song. But in being an underproduced Guided by Voices song, it has (in my opinion) risen above that. From the opening harmonization of “Oh yeah, I’m gonna drive my car,” to the guitar kicking in, to the lyrics, to the fade out on the last chorus, everything about this track is perfect. It’s just so mind obliteratingly absolutely perfect. It’s also the first song Robert Pollard ever wrote on guitar. And beyond just being my favorite Guided by Voices song, it’s just my straight up favorite song. Shut up and go listen to it.

Oh fuck-shit! Part 3!

50)

“Ergo Space Pig” - Propeller

This is another great example of Guided by Voices being Psychedelic. There is hell of Wa-Wa effect used. Plus that extended guitar breakdown at the end feels like the sixties are just happening on a boombox in 1992!

49)

“Over the Neptune/Mesh Gear Fox” - Propeller

Best album opener ever. There is no debating this topic. Also, funny story about the opening of this track, they hadn’t really played live at this point, and definitely not to enough people to start chanting “G-B-V!” That shit took off later.

48)

“Lethargy” - Propeller

One of the punkest GbV tracks that exists. It makes sense, as it was partly written by heavily tattooed guitarist, Mitch Mitchell. An extended version of this track has been the highlight of live sets since the reunion happened.

47)

“Hank’s Little Fingers” - Devil Between my Toes

This is an incredibly fun track. It definitely relies heavily on vocal harmonies, and the space-rock tone of the guitar won’t really make a return ever, but GOD DAMN do the vocal harmonies work, huh?

46)

“Back to Saturn X” - Delicious Pie and Thank You for Calling

This is a super deep cut. I heard a brief sample of this on Propeller, and spent days tracking down the original track. It is not the easiest to find, but I strongly recommend finding it if you can. It’s the purest pop sensibilities GbV ever had.

45)

“Exit Flagger” - Propeller

The high-hat and guitar intro hook you in, and the vocals do the rest. “I promise to leave you one of these days. I promise it’ll be real soon!”

44)

“Smothered in Hugs” - Bee Thousand

This is another of Robert Pollard’s pop gems hidden in the sand of lo-fi production. The vocal melodies are super sweet, and the lyrics (while certainly pretty specific to his teaching career [the judges and the saints and the text book committee]) really do have a wide appeal: “In the summer that you left, it was business as usual, with the same old tears and frustration.”

43)

“I Am a Scientist” - Bee Thousand

Here it is, guys. Some call it the quintessential Guided by Voices song. They are wrong, though. This is a very good song. It is an above average Guided by Voices song, though. I love it, and I recommend it as a starting point for most GbV newbs. Lyrically, it is among Uncle Bob’s best, but musically, there are far great examples of what GbV is capable of.

42)

“Mincer Ray” - Bee Thousand

Musically, this song is just so very excellent. The guitar lead plays with the bass and rhythm guitar and Tobin Sprout’s voice to be so nice and pretty that I almost can’t stand it.

41)

“On the Tundra” - Propeller

Single greatest album closer ever.

40)

“Office of Hearts” - Under the Bushes Under the Stars

This is a great song primarily for Robert Pollard’s lyricism. I’d be hard-pressed to name a series of lyrics I like more than “It’s Octopus-Caveman/Drinking with the enemy/He’s got a girl on every arm.” (See, if he’s an octopus, he has eight arms, so that’s hell of girls.) Plus “Come feel the softest parts, the office of hearts.”

39)

“Weedking” - Propeller

This is a great example of what Guided by Voices did with the progressive rock influence. This definitely fits that mold more than any other mold, but isn’t a century long. YET IT’S STILL ABOUT WEED! Also, it was the perfect closer to their set the first two times I saw them in 2010. “For the dreams of the weedking we must sing!”

38)

“Tractor Rape Chain” - Bee Thousand

This song is essentially perfect. Did you know that the acoustic section at the beginning was found by chance, and just happened to fit the song perfectly so they added it at the last minute? That’s what rules about this band! Also a thing that rules, the harmonizing that Robert Pollard does with himself on this song live.

37)

“Game of Pricks” - Alien Lanes

Other than “I am a Scientist” this is probably the most popular GbV track. It’s definitely the one that’s been covered the most, and for good reason. This song captures what I imagine is the feeling that balances being the person who got shat on in a relationship and being the person who did the shitting in a relationship. Anyone who’s been in a ruined relationship can relate to this song!

36)

“Watch Me Jumpstart” - Alien Lanes

Another fun pop sounding song that seems to have some darker meaning, at least according to the lyrics. My personal favorite element of this whole song is the closing lyrics, “Film finished, fade into black.”

35)

“Big School” - Static Airplane Jive

This is another song that I love singing along to while driving really fast. “It’s a thousand miles away and it’s in the backyard!” I also think about that moment in Peep Show when Jeremy makes some weird, supposedly offensive gesture at the Monk who is banging big Suze.

34)

“Peep-Hole” - Bee Thousand

This song starts as a nice heartwarming song about a guy admiring his lady. Then it becomes an alarming song about a stalker. Then it becomes alarming in a different way when you accept the narrator’s POV as true. “Christ it’s a cluttered mess, but I love you I must confess.” This very sentence runs through the head of any dude who has loved a lady.

33)

“Jar of Cardinals” - Vampire on Titus

The tone of the opening guitar chords is so open and fun and inviting. And Robert Pollard seems like he’s having so much fun singing these words. “Eating something wonderful. Never ever getting full!” This feels like the theme to many a long distance relationship “Baby, I’ll be coming home quite soon for you.”

32)

“Don’t Stop Now” - Under the Bushes Under the Stars

If a band ever wrote themselves an appropriate theme song, here it is. “Woke up one hungover morning” could describe any day in the life of any GbV member or, for that matter, listener. This song seems, at least to me, to celebrate everything great about the Guided by Voices approach. “Don’t Stop Now!”

31)

“Postal Blowfish” - King Shit and the Golden Boys

This song is just so much fun. It was also super great to see Mitch Mitchell take over lead vocals on this live.

30)

“Expecting Brainchild” - Vampire on Titus

I once spent two hours trying to find the name of this song based on the chorus of “time time time time time time time time to draw the line.” Thank god I found it, because, lyrically, this is one of my favorite GbV tracks. “Superman died tonight. Ate a pound of kryptonite. Drank a quart of brotherly love. Fell straight from the sky above.”

29)

“My Son Cool” - Alien Lanes

This made the list entirely for “Hellfire is dying around you my love.” Also, opening with the line “DECIDE NOW!” is awesome as hell!

28)

“It’s Like Soul Man” - Under the Bushes Under the Stars

This is kind of “mentos”y, as discussed before, but I think it is one of the strongest lyrical performances by Mr. Tobin Sprout. “I never liked you until I took a good look at myself.” I think it ultimately nails what draws any of us to relationships, which is that in seeing someone we like liking us, we learn to like ourselves.

27)

“Echos Myron” - Bee Thousand

“If it’s right, you can tell.” This song is right. “Shit yeah it’s cool.” I could quote the lyrics all day, or you could go listen to the way the bass, guitar, and vocals dance you out of the song and make you happy as all get out. Why don’t you do that?

26)

“Kiss Only the Important Ones” - Tigerbomb

This song is so simple and pretty and fun. Some of the lyrics are weird, but I think the meaning is fairly simple. Listen to the whole thing, and you’ll take away what you need to. “Cut your own strings.”